I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize