im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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