After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
