when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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