i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
