if you like me you must not know who I am
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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