loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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