Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
