My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
