i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
