I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
