so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
