last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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