Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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