I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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