Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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