When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
