I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
