Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
