Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
