you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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