at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
my shit smells like andre
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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