Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
