i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
