birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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