So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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