i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
