that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
