genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
