You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize