I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize