Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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