did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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