We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
