Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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