Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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