dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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