I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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