I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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