I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
