I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
