Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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