I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
