You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
