So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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