I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
