Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
