Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
