I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I need to sanitize my soul.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
