I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
