Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
