Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
