i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
