my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
