My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
