i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
