My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
How external is "for external use only"?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
