I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize