I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
