pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
