Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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