I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
