dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
