DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
