If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
